


earned it

by intoxicatelou



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Angry Kissing, Angry Sex, Angst and Porn, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bottom Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky after steve saved him, But also, Canon Compliant, Captain America: The First Avenger, Chaptered, Crying, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub Undertones, Drunk Bucky Barnes, Drunk Sex, Emotionally Stunted Boys In Love, Explicit Sexual Content, First Time, First Time Bottoming, Fucking, Gay Sex, Howling Commandos - Freeform, Hurt Steve, Hurt Steve Rogers, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Idiots in Love, M/M, Masturbation, Multi-Era, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-War, Rough Body Play, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Sexy Thoughts, Smut, Steve Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Stucky - Freeform, Their Love Is So, Through the Years, Top Bucky Barnes, Unrequited Love, Unrequited Lust, Virgin Steve, Virgin Steve Rogers, War angst, World War II, a little bit, all i think about is, dubcon kinda, kind of, more tags will added with each update, not really idk, really though this is all bucky angst, romantically, seriously lots of angst, seriously so much sex, slight mention of steve and peggy, so stay in tuned in kids, steve is a dick, three times when kinda thing, was gonna be one long one shot but i changed my mind
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-04-05 14:34:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4183491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intoxicatelou/pseuds/intoxicatelou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They work like that, sometimes drunk, sometimes angry, sometimes just  cause,  never talking about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i want you so much but i hate your guts

**Author's Note:**

> hello. this is gonna be one long ass one shot that i'm gonna split into weird chapters and idk i haven't written something this long in a while so bear with me okay? this fic was loosely inspired by the song earned it by the weeknd, mostly cause the lyrics fit really well with what i wanted to write and i suck at titles so that's where that comes from, also that's where the italics at the beginning of every chapter will come from. 
> 
> also the lyric " i want you so much but i hate your guts" from the song landfill by daughter was constantly in my head when i was writing this so take what you can from that too. also that's where this title comes from. 
> 
> also, all mistakes are mine bc i am too lazy to find a beta.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No. You didn’t answer my question Buck”, Steve says like he’s got no other option than to listen. “What do you want from me, Barnes?” And to that, Bucky really has no answer

_I'm so used to being used_

_So I love when you call unexpected_

_'Cause I hate when the moment's expected_

_So I'ma care for you, you, you_

**i.**

It’s 1940, mid june, the summer heat hitting them straight on.  It’s another  battle in a particular shitty apartment in Brooklyn.

“Come on Stevie, come out dancing with me” Bucky asks again, the fifth or seventh time that night and Steve just shakes his head looking impassively at the setting sun out of one of their small windows. “I promise Polly’s sister is real nice and I bet she won’t mind sitting if ya don’t wanna dance- “

“Bucky, dames go to _dancing_ halls usually cause they want to _dance_ ” Steve says , and before Bucky can interrupt, he adds flatly “and I can’t dance.”

Bucky laughs, moving closer to Steve. “Well that’s never stopped you before, you always come out with me, we’re like the dynamic duo, Barnes and Rogers, normal men by day, every doll’s dreams by night.” When Steve doesn’t even crack a smile, Bucky knows it’s something bigger than just not being able to dance.

He reaches to gently touch Steve’s shoulder, quietly speaking, “It’s not just about the dancing is it? Stevie, baby, tell me what’s wrong. Are you not feeling well? Is that it? I don’t have to go out you know, I can stay and take care of ya – “

“Will you _stop_ that?!” Steve finally says, flinching away from Bucky’s touch and Bucky steps back at the shrill sound of Steve’s voice, breaking the silence. This isn’t the first time this kind of outburst’s happened, growing more frequent in the past few weeks, when the heat really began to set in. Bucky worries. Steve just yells. “I don’t need to be taken care of, I can take care of myself Bucky, I’m not some fucking _baby_ okay, so quit calling me that. “

“I didn’t mean no harm, darling-“

“See, this is exactly what I’m talking about, I’m not some darling, goddamn it Bucky – “ Bucky still looks confused, and that just seems to add fire to Steve’s tirade. “ You don’t get it do you? I don’t wanna go out because I’m so _tired_ of being your goddamn sidekick, Bucky. It’s always, oh look there’s Bucky Barnes,  strong and handsome and with that devil’s grin that makes all the dames blush and then there’s little poor Stevie Rogers, with no folks and no money and his health’s _such_ a shame,  hope he can breathe to see next winter.“

“Who says that, Steve? Has someone been talking shit-“ Bucky says, his voice angry. The very thought of someone bothering his Steve is enough to make his blood boil.

“No one has to _say_ it Bucky, when they’re all thinking it.” Steve runs bony fingers through his golden hair, his face hiding something, “I’m so tired of everyone thinking that I’ll follow you everywhere, that I’m nothing without you, that all I have is you, because the truth is – “ His eyes look livid with something Bucky’s too overwhelmed to understand. He’s hoping this is just another normal fight, because they have those, they’re best friends, this’ll work itself out right?

He tries to move closer to Steve, to offer some comfort hopefully and solve this all out but instead  that’s all it takes for Steve to snap again and then he’s pushing Bucky out the front door, “Get out Bucky, just get out okay? Go dancing with Polly or whatever this gal’s name is. Be sweet on her, maybe even score a little later in the night. But go do that okay, go on and have your fun. I’d hate to keep you with this stupid argument, I’d hate to drag you down.”

Bucky hardly sees the tears falling down Steve’s face before he’s eating the slam of a door, and Steve’s name dying on his tongue. He’s never been this confused, this angry, this empty, sure, him and Steve had their fights but never like this. Never _I’d hate to drag you down_ and _I’m so fucking tired._ Everything happened so fast, but Bucky feels like the tension has been accumulating for a while now, like molasses. He tries to door once again but it’s locked and he knows yelling at Steve is going do nothing except get their landlord mad, and he thinks he’s created enough havoc for one night. There’s only two things he could do: he could sit here until Steve opens up or he could get drunk and drown his misery that way.

Bucky’s at the bar before he knows it, deciding the skip the dancing hall tonight without even a second thought,  hoping that Polly won’t be too mad, not that he cares anymore, all he can think about is Steve. His words are still ringing in his ears a mix of blushing _bucky barnes, strong and handsome_  and the hurting _little poor stevie rogers, with no folks and no money_ and the all confusing _that I’m nothing without you_ and Bucky keeps on drinking and drinking away all his emotions (as much as he can afford anyway, liquor ain’t cheap)  hoping he’ll find the answers or boldness to do something about it. Steve’s always been the brave one, always been the first one to pull the punch even though he knows he might not win, he sure as hell was goin’ to try. Bucky smiles into the bottle of his fourth (fifth?) beer, at the thought of Steve, because he was such a determined little punk.

Bucky shows up at their front door, well into the night, quietly knocking, because yes he’s mostly drunk but he’s not _that_ drunk and he knows the land lords asleep and been real nice about rent these past few months. He’d hate to get Steve into any more trouble than he already has. God, he’s still so _confused_ about this entire thing. It takes a few minutes and few more slurs of “St _evie_ ” before Bucky gives up and tries the door handle and surprisingly the door clicks open.  Bucky walks in, aware of the creaking wood, softly calling out to Steve once again, so he doesn’t get scared, but Bucky knows he’s probably asleep. He can hear the soft patter of feet on the street down from their appartment , the slight shuffling of the cats in the alleyways adjacent to their window, the faintest chirp of crickets and there’s so much noise he realizes, even this late, almost past midnight, the city’s just alive somehow.

He listens for Steve’s heavy snores amidst other sounds, toeing off his boots and half unbuttoning his shirt before he hears something else instead – the softest groan. Bucky honestly thinks he imagines it at first, but then it comes again this time a little bit more reverently, and it almost sounds as if someone’s hissing “ _fuck_ ” right under their breath.  Bucky feels his heart rate pick up, and he’s kicking off his boots and rushing to their room, because god, what  if Steve’s in trouble, what if his lungs are acting up again, how could Bucky have been so stupid, he needs to take care of Steve, make sure Steve is okay—

“ _Bucky”_ Steve moans, this time, clearly, the name falling off of his lips as he strokes his leaking cock , the other hand running through his sweat plastered  blond hair, his back arching off the mattress slightly when his thumb rubs over the pre come glistening at the tip. Bucky takes it all in, standing there in the doorway, feeling as if everything’s just disappeared from the room, and all that remains is Steve. It’s dream like at how quickly the breath leaves his lungs. All it takes is one look of Steve and his glorious little body, all pale moonlight skin and red, bitten lips, not to mention that pretty, hard, wet, cock, creating a mess all over the slight concaves of his stomach.  Bucky finds him licking his lips at how dry, suffocated, and hot all of him suddenly feels. He can feel his dick hardening in his pants, easily as he watches the show that Steve’s putting on for him, without even knowing it, eyes screwed shut as he works his fist hard and slow over himself, as if he wants to savor this. He’s making the breathiest, filthiest, little noises and Bucky _really_ wants to kiss him, no matter how wrong this is because Steve’s his _best friend_.

And then Steve opens his eyes, and Bucky’s staring at wide blown pupils, the blue more like a shadow and he wonders what he must look like then – half opened shirt, hard on obvious through his pants, and his feet still covered in holey socks. He wonders if his eyes look as wild as he feels, with as much want that his entire body is thrumming with in this moment.

Steve’s fist stutters to a stop, and he manages to say, “B...Bucky?” , a different tone, one that sounds a lot less happy than the other times he’d been calling his name. Bucky’s heart drops and he rushes to explain

 “I tried knocking but no one would answer and … then I tried the handle and you kept the door open so I let myself in and uh I heard you groan? But I thought you were hurt or s...something and I was so worried and then I came here … and saw you l…like this, touching yourself, and fuck, Stevie _I’m so sorry,_ God” He inhales, gulps down air, but his voice cracks and he can’t believe he can hear himself saying, begging, “But please, _please, don’t stop._ ” His eyes flit to Steve’s still hard cock, his tongue running over his lips on his own accord.

“Oh.” Steve says, pausing. Bucky can see the slight pools of sweat on his chest and thighs, as Steve breathes, inhale exhale. His lungs are okay.

Bucky’s still trying to come into terms with the fact that Steve was moaning _his_ name when something changes between them, the glint in Steve’s eyes suddenly darkening and softening. Then, “Come over here.”  Steve’s voice is firmer, still a bit shaky, but Bucky all but falls over himself as he scrambles to sit down in the empty space next to Steve, peering down to look at Steve for a quick moment before Steve’s grabbing his chin with his good hand and crushing their lips together.

It’s not gentle, kind or sweet, it’s rough, hard, and a physical reminder of the fight they had before. They battle, both of their tongues dipping into unknown territory, see who tastes sweeter, dirtier, better, and they clash like this, Steve pulling on the nape of Bucky’s neck and Bucky holding the curve of Steve’s ribs knowing there’ll be finger print bruises in the morning, but they both just don’t care anymore. It’s unexpected and alive and _Steve_ so Bucky  savors every second of it.

Steve bites his lip and suddenly he’s gasping into Steve’s mouth, the action going straight to his already straining cock. He doesn’t understand how turned on he’s gotten from just a filthy kiss. A filthy kiss from _Steve,_ the dots still aren’t connecting in his head.

“You like that Buck?” Steve asks, low and dark like the sticky night around them. Buck’s just nodding his head _,_ and then Steve’s sitting up and straddling him, scooting Bucky until his back’s hitting the cold wall, the only remainder of reality Bucky registers, everything else just a symphony of Steve.

“What do you want from me Buck?” Steve says, his tone dark, curled in anger as he grinds his hips down onto Bucky’s evident erection. Bucky moans and then he feels Steve’s fingers digging into his shoulders and it’s just short of painful, but all it does is make him even headier.

“I… uh,  Stevie, _fuck,_ you’re so _pretty_ ” Bucky pants, finally being able to look at him up close, and then Steve’s grinding down especially dirty, fingers pressing in deeper into his tendons, and his hands fly to fit on Steve’s hips, pressing down because it _hurts_ in such a good way.  He doesn’t even know what’s taken control of him, doesn’t have a single real clue of what’s happening, just going with the feeling and well _Steve._

“You don’t know? You sure you don’t know Bucky?” Steve sneers, and Bucky feels a bit lightheaded at the lack of pressure when Steve suddenly stops. He reaches down to unbutton his pants and release his throbbing cock, but Steve stops him with a sharp smack on his hands. He gasps at the sting of the pain, a broken sound. “No. You didn’t answer my question Buck”, Steve says like he’s got no other option than to listen. “What do you want from  me, Barnes?” And to that, Bucky really has no answer.  But Steve doesn’t look like he would listen to a mumbled I don’t know, and so when the silence stretches on and Steve pushes his hand down over his crotch again, Bucky pants, “I want what you want, I’ll do anything, oh _fuck,_ Stevie, baby, _please_ ” and he knows that all he can do with Stevie right now is beg, because he’s so out of his depth.

“Anything?”, Steve’s face twists a bit before  he’s kissing Bucky hard before getting up abruptly, finding his shirt to wrap himself around and standing against the doorway. He looks at Bucky, his eyes impassive despite his dilated pupils.  “You said anything right? Well, I want you to get _out._ ”

Bucky feels like he’s been slapped in the face, but not in a good way. “ _AGAIN?”_ He sputters, the familiar feeling of arousal being mixed with anger. He can’t fucking keep up with Steve.

“I never said that you could come back, Barnes” Steve says, so effortlessly like he isn’t just strutting over Bucky’s heart right now.

“What the _fuck,_ Steve. You can’t do that” Bucky tries again and Steve just shrugs, “Well it is my apartment – “

“We live together, last time I checked.” Steve pretends not to hear him, and then Bucky’s on his feet, crowding into Steve’s space against the door way. “Is this about the fight? Can you tell me what I did wrong? Please, Steve.” 

Steve looks anywhere  but at Bucky and it’s so infuriating and hot because all he’s wearing is an unbuttoned white shirt and his hair and mouth still look wrecked, and Bucky’s just _hurting_  at this point, his heart and his cock, and everywhere in between and he grabs Steve’s chin so he’ll meet those baby blue eyes and grits his teeth and says, “Will you please fucking _look_ at me when I’m talking to you?”

Steve stares, his eyes wide and hard and Bucky runs a hand through his own hair in frustration, “I’m honestly so confused, Steve. I’ve apologized time and time, but I don’t even know what I did to get you into this _mood_ you’re in, I’m so lost, baby. All I ever want to do is be there for you and take care of you and all _you’re_ ever hell bent on doing is pushing me away. “ His fingers have found their way to the back of Steve’s head and their foreheads are softly brushing, and Steve pauses before bringing both his hands to shove Bucky back. Bucky does nothing, and Steve hits his chest with both of his tiny fists, Bucky staggering backwards. “Steve-“ But then there’s another punch, this time to the side of his face, and _no,_ Bucky is not fighting Steve Rogers. He’ll become a different man or die before he has to.

“God- Damn – It – _DO- SOMETHING!_ ” Steve screams, between hits and punches and pain, “I’m _hitting_ you. _HIT BACK._ Fucking _move,_ Jesus, I can’t do this right now Buck, I can’t even try to explain how much  – “  Steve’s crying  all of sudden, like the next few words aren’t even able to get out without destroying all of him,  and Bucky’s worried, so worried. He reaches towards Steve, and Steve flinches, just like during the fight they had.  There’s a pause of Steve wiping away his tears on his shirt, Bucky watching him as he drops the shirt  altogether, standing there naked, eyes and body suddenly realizing the proximity of Bucky to begin with, before grabbing the front of Bucky’s half unbuttoned shirt and crushing their lips together just like when Bucky had first walked in on Steve. 

Bucky hesitates, he knows something isn’t right with Steve, the way his body still slightly shakes every time Bucky touches him, and so he pulls back, breathless and tries, “Stevie, baby, hey, we don’t have to do this right now. You’re obviously upset, maybe we should talk about – “ But then Steve, that clever asshole, is unbuttoning  Bucky’s pants and pulling down his underwear and wrapping those nimble fingers around his mostly hard cock, and wringing it until the tip’s messy with pre come. Bucky’s mind short circuits at that, his hand feels so _good._  “Steve, please, you don’t have to – “Bucky barely gets out before Steve’s squeezing him just on the right side of painful.

“You said wanna take care of me, right Bucky? You wanna take care of your baby?” Stevie says clearly, his hot breath hitting Bucky’s neck, his fist still moving over Bucky’s dick and Bucky whines, “Yes, yes, but Steve – “

“No buts. Are you listening to me?  I’ll let you take care of me. I _want_ you take care of me Bucky, make me feel so good. Make me forget about our little fight. Make me happy.  Can you do that ?”  Steve’s voice is sultry, sweet, and low and Bucky bites his lip at what it does to him. Steve speeds up his fist over Bucky and Bucky’s hips arch into his touch, fucking himself like that, he cries. “Yes, _fuck,_ Stevie, you make me feel so good, I’m gonna make you feel so good too” and then Steve hums before letting go and falling back onto the mattress, lying there, looking at Bucky through half lidded eyes  and Bucky bites back a moan at how _pretty_ his baby looks for him.

Bucky rids himself of his shirt and kicks off the rest of his pants, before pressing Steve into the mattress, their naked bodies pressed together , their wet cocks rubbing flush against each other.  Steve shudders when Buck finally gets a hand on him, nipping at the delicate skin on his neck at the same time. “You want me to touch you Stevie? You like that?” Steve’s nodding, yes, yes, and he bites down harder onto Steve’s pale skin, getting a breathy groan from Steve before licking a path to his pink little nipples. He takes one into his mouth, worrying at it with his teeth and Steve’s back is arching from the mattress, a heavy “ _fuck”_ slipping past his lips. “My baby _definitely_ likes that” he chuckles before Steve’s yanking him up by his hair, “Shut up and kiss me Barnes”, their lips colliding once again, their bodies rolling around before Steve flips them over, and now he’s looking down on Bucky.

“I want you to fuck me” Steve says, firmly, when they’re both gasping for breath, and Bucky’s eyes are widening because he never thought he’d hear those six words in that order from his _Steve._ Then, again he never thought he’d be spending a Friday night so ready to deflower his best friend that his cock is literally aching for it.

“Okay, of course, god you’re beautiful” Bucky exhales, kissing all over Steve’s face about to reach over to grab the Vaseline except Steve smacks his hand again and pushes him down further into the mattress.

“You don’t need that. M’all ready”, Steve says as he takes one of Bucky’s fingers and guides them to his slick open hole, “See? I can take you” He bites his lip as he easily takes two of Bucky’s fingers up his ass, grinding down on them softly. 

“Have you done this before Steve?” Bucky asks, more curious than anything else because he still can’t wrap his head around the image of Steve opening himself up, face scrunching as he takes more and more and fuck, Bucky wants to be inside him so bad, but he needs to know.

Something in Steve’s face hardens and he snaps, “No, not like people are exactly linin’ up to fuck an ugly asthmatic weak queer, Bucky.” Something fierce rises in Bucky and he flips them over, his fingers never leaving their position inside Steve. Steve huffs at the change in the angle, but then Bucky’s kissing him with such reverence he doesn’t understand. It’s just sex for him isn’t it?

“You’re so beautiful Steve, you’ve always been so _pretty_ , It takes my breath away. I don’t understand how you don’t see it and I’m gonna remind you every day until you do cause you _deserve_  to feel special and cared for, not only cause it’s your first time but because it’s you Stevie, and you’re the most good in a person that I’ve ever known. I swear I’ll punch whoever says anything otherwise, because you’re such a doll, darling. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. I’m gonna make you feel so good, darling. So good, sweet heart. ” Bucky says, with such vigor and ardor that Steve’s speechless for the first time this night.  “You have to know, Steve, you have to know, you’re worth more than I’ll ever be able to give” Bucky murmurs, and Steve wonders who he’s even talking to anymore. They’re both flushed hard and this moment’s dragging on a bit too long for Steve’s tastes but even he can’t bite back the blush under Bucky’s scrutinizing gaze.  This is just sex, he reminds himself. Nothing more, Bucky’s just being a good friend, he’s always been so good at taking care of Steve, though Steve will be wayward to agree.

Steve feels the familiar pin pricks of tears behind his eyes at the thought of what this really was, but then Bucky’s adding another finger and he’s whimpering, his feelings fading into background noise as he grits, staring at Bucky, “I swear if you don’t get your dick in me Bucky Barnes, I’m going to -- _Jesus Christ_ ” Steve moans as Bucky chooses that moment to push into him. He feels like he’s being split apart and Bucky’s whispering, “it’s okay baby,  I got you, I’m gonna take care of you sweet heart, It’ll feel better, just give it time” and Steve just breathes a raggedy sigh at the fire spreading through him. But as Bucky promised, the burning leads into a different kind of heat, one that has Steve rolling his hips, knocking a gasp out of Bucky’s frame above him.

“You’re so _tight,_ fuck. I think I’m going to die inside of you Steve Rogers. You feel like heaven an’ hell combined”, Bucky groans as he starts fucking into Steve, slowly and careful at first, but that decision spiraling as soon as Steve’s snapping at him “actually fuck me Barnes, I’m not made of goddamn glass” and then Bucky’s digging his heels into the mattress, grabbing Steve’s skinny thighs and hoisting them over his shoulders to get a better angle, and his right hand gripping Steve’s hip as he brushes Steve’s spot with every thrust. Steve’s mouth is a perpetual ‘O’ as Bucky bends him in half and screws him with a new intensity in that all Steve can do is gasp and claw at Bucky’s arms and back.

They move like that for a while, the mattress squeaking and their bodies colliding more sporadically as they grow closer and closer to climaxing. Steve’s mouth turns especially filthy as his eyes roll back and his gasps turn into “oh yeah, _fuck me,_ bucky, god you feel so _good_ ,  so big, so full, oh god, you make me feel so good, yeah, you wanna take care of me bucky? Take care of your baby, you’re doing such a good job, oh right there, _jesus Christ,_ you take so good care of your baby, so good Bucky”

Bucky loudly groans at every syllable falling from Steve’s mouth and this time he’s the one who’s speechless because Steve looks so gorgeous underneath him, body moving back and forth, hips jutting up along with his arching back when Bucky does an exceptionally good job, and his nipples are so hard and pink, and his delicate face is in a constant state of awe and pleasure like Bucky’s some sort of God for fucking Steve like this, and he decides he hasn’t seen nothing more beautiful and lovely than Steve.

 “Fuck, fuck, Steve, you’re so good for me, such a good baby doll, _fuck,_ I’m so close-“ Bucky cries and Steve stretches his arms to encircle Bucky’s neck and pull him down, capturing their lips in a heated open mouth kiss. It’s sloppy and Steve’s practically sucking on his tongue and for some reason when Steve quietly breathes his name when Bucky fucks him especially hard during all of this it’s enough to finally push him over and see white behind his eyes, and then he’s coming inside of Steve, crying a litany of curses and Steve’s following right after him, untouched, the sticky strings splattering the both of their chests.

They’re both kissing and collapsing into each other as they come down from their highs, Bucky having enough sense then to grab Steve’s white shirt and clean up the both of them, an act that leads to Steve complaining by biting an excessive amount of love bites to Bucky’s chest, Bucky’s soft chastising gasps the only sound between them for a while.

“Were you really saying my name when you were touchin’ yourself Stevie?” Bucky asks quiety, because he keeps finding himself back at that very first point before Steve opened his eyes and they ended up here.

“Yeah” Steve breathes out, like an exhale. “Ya left me so pissed off at you, I was such a mess Buck. So angry, wound up. Needed to calm down. ”

“So you thought of me?” Bucky smiles, he just wants to hear it again.

“Well who else would I thought of? Had already seen mostly everything anyway, and I wasn’t kiddin’ when I said you were handsome, Buck.”  Steve blushes a little and Bucky kisses him because he can. They don’t ask what this makes them.

Sex and love are too very different things, Steve reminds himself. Bucky only knows of one. 

After that they lie there for a while, tracing nothing into each others skin and it isn’t that different than how they usually sleep in the winter, though this time Bucky doesn’t have to try to tilt his hips away lest Steve realize he’s hard. Not that it would’ve been because of Steve, because – well Bucky doesn’t try to think about that, doesn’t try to think about what this means.

No, right now they fall into each other, because it’s the first time and Bucky knows somewhere in this mind that it’s definitely not going to be the last.

 

 


	2. ( I - II )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i need you"

+

They work like that, sometimes drunk, sometimes angry, sometimes just  cause,  never talking about it. But it’s okay because it makes things easier between them for a while, because they’re not denying anything (even if they’re not saying anything either).  So when Bucky comes home and Steve’s fuming about something, his lips in chagrin smile, Bucky knows he can push Steve against the counter and wipe it right off. They never say no to desire, despite the fact that Bucky still isn’t quite sure if he’s queer because he likes dames just fine, but he likes Steve too. His logic:  Steve’s been a lot of exceptions for things in Bucky’s life and maybe, this is just another one.

They fuck, kiss, leave each other hickeys where no one can see them but Bucky can feel burning under his shirt when he’s away from Steve. Different, but not really because Bucky still goes out with dames and Steve joins him mostly but both of them will always return home together, hands wandering. Steve just blames it on the girls, “they weren’t good enough Bucky, promise” not that he needs Bucky so much that he’s afraid he’ll die without him. He doesn’t know when this will end, and so they try to make the most of what they have. Bucky can tell that much, because he does too, cause he doesn’t have to come home and head directly to kiss Steve wherever he is, he doesn’t have to share the bed with Steve even when the air’s hotter than sin, he doesn’t have to quit going to mass on Sundays so him and Steve can fuck and not worry about noise as much as they have to any other day. He realizes he doesn’t really believe in God, but in something – something that’ll let him and Steve be together like this. It ain’t love or feelings, but sex in its own way had started to mean something different altogether. Bucky wondered if Steve noticed the shift, the lack of anger and the more just cause.  The way when they fuck sometimes, how Steve’s eyes glaze over and he stares at Bucky like there’s nothing else in the world that matters but here, and now; the sounds that Bucky makes when Steve’s just kissing him, like he’s just realizing what he’s been starved of.

It’s just a kiss, Steve will say. Bucky can’t bring himself to argue, because they don’t talk about it no. No, they don’t, and even if Bucky were to open his mouth to say something, he’s not sure exactly what would come out and the last thing he’d want is to chase Steve away. Their time together was running short, Bucky knew, he’d seen the papers. So he just leaned into Steve and let him kiss him, trying to keep the noises quieter. If Steve notices, he doesn’t say anything.

+

He was enlisted by January 1942, and Steve doesn’t even screw him the night before he’s shipped out;  no,  hey lie there together, the unspoken words already feeling like the ocean that’ll separate them both in a few hours.

“I hafta go fight Stevie, you know I do” Bucky whispers, the first time, and Steve doesn’t say anything, only  looks impassively at the crack in the ceiling, and if anything, his grip on Bucky’s hip just a little bit tighter. “I’ll come back Steve, I’m not goin’ to let even the damn Nazis keep me from you, ya hear ?”

“You better not Barnes” Steve says at that, cracking a small smile. And then smaller, “I need you.”

Bucky doesn’t think he hears it right the first time, but then Steve’s turning around and looking at Bucky with those big baby blue eyes, and Bucky knows he’s scared, can tell it in the way his eyes are quietly lined red, and his hands  ain’t  completely steady. “I need you Bucky Barnes. I swear if you go and do something stupid like get yourself killed, God I’d – “ Steve chokes, he’s trying his hardest not to cry, but he can’t be strong cause they don’t talk about it and they can’t. Not now. and Steve’s been okay with it, but the idea that they might not ever get to – he can’t stop the tears falling.

Bucky cradles him, holding him as close as possible, “shh, shh, Don’t cry, Stevie. You’re gonna be okay, I ain’t gonna be stupid and get killed, cause I’m leavin’ all the stupid here with you.” Steve sniffs and socks him in the stomach, and Bucky laughs before shutting him up with a kiss, “How did I deserve you punk?”

Steve leans into it, open mouthed and lazy, like he’s trying to savor it, catalog it for the times Bucky will be away.

“You’re such a jerk, make sure you come home okay?”  Steve says, breathless. 

“Aye, Aye, Captain” Bucky grins, and Steve tackles him with another shove, and then they’re giggling and  rolling around, trying to make this night count cause the sun’s gonna steal Bucky away and Steve needs to hold on for just one more night.

Maybe sex and love aren’t so different, after all.

+

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the weird inbetween thing i was talking about you see ? but s'okay i'm just gonna chapter this. gosh ao3 is a bit weird.


	3. ever since he touched my hand i knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> inevitable attraction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title for this chapter is from the song "i will follow him" by little peggy march because i've been watching lots of stucky crack! videos and that song is just so real for them you should listen to it really. italics at the beginning are from the namesake song of this fic, earned it by the weeknd as always. 
> 
> ALSO, I PUSHED AHEAD SO THAT ALL OF YOU GET THIS UPDATE TONIGHT, bc its june 26th, 2015 when i'm typing this and today, The United States of America fucking legalized gay marriage throughout the entire country and i'm just really emotional so here you go, have some intense stucky angst of a time when they didn't even think it was possible. *sobs* we've come so far, and i am so happy, so fucking proud.

_You know our love would be tragic_

_So you don't pay it, don't pay it no mind_

**ii.**

They’re different. Steve tried not to think about what they did to Bucky at that camp, he tries to forget the guilt, horror, and uneasy relief flooding  in from finding his best friend trapped to the examination table.  That should be me, Steve thinks, If I had gotten the serum earlier, Bucky wouldn’t be here.

But he is here, and Bucky can’t believe Steve. First, he’s scared, of course. Still thinking about that scrawny kid from Brooklyn ~~he fell in love with~~ fucked. Thinks about the small planes of Steve’s chest, the narrow curve of his throat, the moonlight pale skin he would worship till dawn.  He thinks about it a lot, spends a lot of the first days in his bunk, lying facing the wall, unable to talk to Steve because he’d been so stupid, thinking that even though if he died on that table, Steve would be home, safe and sound. But he isn’t dead and Steve’s on the front lines, just as much as he is. Bucky doesn’t know what to do.

But they could never fully avoid each other, they were inevitable attraction, undeniable destruction.

It’s the nightmares that brought them to each other, because Bucky can’t help but croak his name at the darkest hours and Steve comes rushing in without even thinking twice to wear shoes. They tangle together on the Bucky’s tiny bunk, Bucky being the one to lie on top of Steve not the other way around, like before. Would you look at that, he’s so big, Bucky thinks, Finally got a body to match his heart.

It was the same thing, every night. Steve saying, “Go back to sleep Buck, it was just a dream “ his hands rubbing comforting circles into Bucky’s back,  his fingers not recognizing the fire they were leaving in their wake, then Bucky crying into the broad expanse of his chest, because it all _hurt_ so much, and Steve holding him a little tighter, and saying gently, “hey, hey, it’s okay Buck. No one’s ever gonna hurt you again, I got you, baby. It’s me, Steve. Your Steve. Shh, it’s going to be fine. It’s me, I’m here”  Bucky sniffles and grips onto Steve as tightly as he can, feeling the solid muscle beneath his thin  pajama shirt,  listening to the accelerated beat of his heart. He thinks about how this was probably how Steve felt all those nights his body was working against him and he gripped onto Bucky like there was nowhere else to go, to be. Steve, Bucky’s mind has been chanting that name like a prayer since the very night he’d left. He thinks about it. Is he here? Is this really Steve? He smells like sweat, dirt, and that distinct sweet Steve smell, and it’s the last one that Bucky holds onto the most, the one that reminds him of home. That and those blue eyes, just as wide and caring and open as they’ve always been, with the secret fire that Bucky knew well about. It’s those eyes and that smell that finally puts him to sleep.

Steve is always gone by morning, the memory of the night only seen in crumpled bed sheets.

It only takes a week but then Bucky’s back on his feet because he may not be Captain America’s best friend just yet, but he’d follow Steve Rogers till the end of the line anytime anyplace. He tells Steve this one night, and Steve cries with him, whispering, “Thank you, thank you, god I missed you so much Bucky, god I missed you”  and Bucky just grins, “I missed you too, Punk” before Steve dissolves into more tears.  That morning, Steve stays.

They fall back into their normal routine, the usual banter and hard work, and always having each other’s back no matter what. Bucky hates the war, but he’s willing to bear with it as long as he sees his Stevie beside him, Captain America suit and all. At first, it was a bit odd, the height difference, the muscle, ~~the tight suit that showed of his ass~~ , but Bucky got used it, and with time, as always it was with him and Steve, he ached for it.

It didn’t come all at once, Bucky’s mind so riddled with the things that Hydra had done to him and the ongoing war – sometimes he thought the things they’d done before it all were more of a fantasy than anything else, something he’d thought up cause sure, sometimes he caught Steve starin’ at him a little longer than usual but this was the army  and they had no tolerance for that kinda behavior and Steve was Steve, but Steve was also bigger, more handsome, and a better man than Bucky’ll ever be.  He’d seen the WACs drooling after Steve, as they should be ~~with a body like that~~ with a man like Steve it’d be hard not to. He was just good everywhere, ~~especially in Bed.~~

~~The way his pink lips looked stretched over Bucky’s cock, taking it so well, Steve always took it so well, so damn eager about everything, the small little noises he’d make when Bucky ate him out, writhing and urging, always so responsive. Every part of him was perfect, and imagines still is perfect, he thinks about his little hole, fluttering against his finger, his tongue, his dick. Wonder if it’d still be as tight as it used to be, wonder if  maybe --–~~

He didn’t think about it too much, Steve deserved so much better than Bucky but he was a man with needs and could only take so much of Steve Rogers’s friendly smiles and big handed hugs and sweet lips before the memories rushed back to him, full force.

It was just gasping awake at first, his dick aching and hard, between him and the mattress. The only thing he could remember was Steve and the heat of his mouth, his body, and Bucky couldn’t help but reach down inside his pants to stroke his dick as he tried to finish the job as quickly as possible. It seemed he was already pretty close because he lasted ten seconds before he was spilling into his hand, his voice a groan, Steve’s name muffled against the threadbare pillow. The orgasm was rushed and left him feeling empty more than anything else, thinking about the times when it would’ve been Steve’s hands or Steve’s mouth there instead of his own soiled hand. He doesn’t understand why Steve hadn’t even brought up before, hadn’t even looked at Bucky really with the slightest hint of whatever it was they do. Or did, Bucky thinks, bitterly. The last time they were together, well Steve couldn’t even fathom the idea of going months without getting pounded by Bucky’s cock or kissing Bucky’s mouth and then here they are, walls apart and Steve looked like he could care less about all of that, because as long as he had Bucky there, as his best friend, then that’s all that mattered. ~~Bucky misses his touch~~ Bucky thinks that’s appropriate.

Still, Bucky pauses, considers that maybe they should have talked about it. ~~Maybe he should’ve told Steve –~~ Not for his sake of course, more for Steve’s so they both could get some sort of closure on all of it. Not that Bucky’d need it cause he knew it was just sex from the beginning and that’s what he’ll stick to, thank you very much. He understands if Steve needs to focus now, on the war. He is Captain America now, not just his punk little Steve Rogers.   ~~Their relationship~~ Their whatever you want to call it would just be an additional problem. It’s not like either of them got anyone else they’re waitin’ on ?

So, Bucky doesn’t realize how wrong he is until the first day he meets Peggy Carter.

 It hits him like a baseball bat to his heart, the way they look at each other, how she looks at Steve the way Bucky does, right through all the armor and muscle and looks, to the burning giant heart underneath it all; looks at the scrawny kid from Brooklyn who couldn’t win a damn fight, but knew how to throw a solid punch when he wanted to. Steve looks like he wants to carve a sculpture in her name.

And the thing is, Bucky’s happy for him. The first time he sees Peggy and shakes her hand, firm but honest, he knows that she’s the perfect one for Steve, along with the fact that Steve never shuts up about her either.  The rest of the commandos get it too, howlin’ at Steve when he gets up and dances with her, and Bucky sits back, beer in his hand, supposedly content because this is what he wanted.

He wanted Steve to marry a pretty dame with good sense, and maybe have a couple of kids that’d call him “Uncle Buck” when he’d come and visit in their white picket house with a backyard and maybe even a dog. He wanted that for Steve, and maybe he’d get married to someone and they could live next door. Best friends, neighbors, brothers, till the end of the line. This is how it was supposed to go down, everyone around them would agree. Bucky and some faceless doll, Steve and Peggy.

Bucky repeats that image in his head on a constant loop, so when Steve sits down next to him, and asks him what he thinks of her, he’s able to grin and say positively, “Oh Steve, she’s a knockout. You weren’t kiddin’ Punk.”

The way Steve’s eyes light up, his smile deepening makes it all worth it. “You really think so?”

“110% sure Captain, Peggy Carter’s a keeper. Besides, she already adores you” Bucky adds, his tone is flattening, through struggling to maintain the enthusiasm. She likes him alright, can’t keep her eyes off of Steve, not that he’d blame her but he tries not to notice her across the room, dark, brilliant, eyes watching the both of them. He grabs another beer.

Steve’s brow furrow, “You really think so? I mean I was just thinkin’ we were friends, she’s been real nice to me about everything goin’ on . Not that she isn’t lovely, I just don’t really care much for– “

“Oh quit the act, Captain. You maybe the face of America, but you’re still a man with needs, don’t I know best of all” Bucky says, and it’s out before he can help himself. Steve’s face falls a little, and if Bucky was less drunk he’d see he was blushing. Something ugly twists inside of Bucky.

“B-Buck, It ain’t like that with Peggy, you know that – “  Steve stammers. ~~He’s so pretty lookin’ that red, Buck thinks idly, wonder what other ways he could bring about that color to his face ?~~

“I told you to quit the act, didn’t I, Rogers? Don’t pretend, I see the way the WACs look at ya. Like you’re a God or somethin’ else holy “  Bucky can feel the fire in the pit of his stomach, and he pretends it’s just the liquor burning away his insides. ~~He wants to worship Steve until they’re both ragged breaths and pounding hearts. He wants to be saved.~~

“Bucky, what are you suggestin’? It isn’t, _Jesus,_ I haven’t even since – “ Steve’s trying to explain, getting closer and closer to Bucky and well Bucky can’t have that, can he ? ~~Even though  he wants it, craves it,  needs it, _Steve_ -~~

Instead, he gets up, finishing his beer, saying, “What else are girls here useful for eh ? Hey Steve, It’s alright. I won’t tell if you won’t” There’s a humorless laugh that sounds more grating than he wants it to be, a wink at Steve’s confused expression, and then he’s turnin’ around and headin’ back to his bunk.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until his entire side of the pillow is wet.

Bucky closes his eyes, wishing that this would just stop, that he’d be able to wake up and realize it was all one long bad dream and there is no war, only Brooklyn, only worrying about payin’ the rent and takin’ care of Steve – his Steve, the tiny, lovely, one with a slightly sunken stomach, and prominent hip bones, and face built like a porcelain doll.

He dreams, _32557038 Barnes, James Buchanan,_ spoken like a prayer, the single real thing other than the image of golden hair and blue eyes and  ladder ribs  had made their way through  his haze of pain and delirium. And then he feels like he’s there, in that room, on that cool, metal table all over again before the angel of his imagination, golden hair and blue eyes had come to take him back, take him away, and _yes,_ he had thought, _yes I’m finally dying._

That’s the thought he was thinking when had said stupidly to the angel with no bony chest, “Steve?” like a question, like a last wish, like remembrance because everything hurt so bad but then there was the angel, a man, responding and sayin, “Bucky, Buck, it’s me, Steve,  see? I got you, I got you.”   

It isn’t till he’d gotten both feet on the ground, a steady arm around him, and heard the growing sound of burning and destruction seeping into his ears that he’d realized that no, he isn’t dead, but he’s still in someplace like hell.

The rest is a blur, a red face, a giant fiery pit, and screaming, _NOT WITHOUT YOU._ ~~And he wonders if Steve ever heard the hidden _I LOVE YOU_ in there somewhere. He really didn’t think Steve would make it, and he knew that if Steve hadn’t made it, he would’ve jumped after him, because they’re in this till the end of the line, wherever the hell that is, whatever time. Bucky’s ready. ~~


	4. all that was at stake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky feels robbed. Angst and confrontation ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, so sorry for taking forever to update life happened and this fic kind of lost steam bc i got lost. but i'm back now and better than ever, and i'll try to finish it because i've got it all fleshed out. also bc CIVIL WAR WRECKED ME and stucky is so real always. 
> 
> special thanks to Shadin for inspiring me to finish this, your stucky support means a lot to me, and to celebrate this blossoming friendship i decided to update my fic, so there. we're official i think. this short chapter's dedicated to you. i literally wrote it instead of sleeping, even though i have to get up in 5 hours. 
> 
> thank you for reading, and as always, your comments and kudos always make me feel 1000x more likelier to write. feed the stucky monster in my soul so i will share more of my angst. 
> 
> italics from Earned It by the weeknd.

_We live with no lies_

 

**iii.**

He wakes up with a start, his head and body groaning in response to the bits of light filtering through the opening in the tents. His eyes feel swollen and blood shot, his face worn, and his bed abruptly cold. He shivers as he gets up to get his things together, hoping that the thudding in his head will fade, because shit, getting drunk hurts.

It seems like his hangover follows him for the entire day,and Steve can tell, when they’re in a room strategizing about their next move. He wishes those blue eyes weren’t so fucking blue, because Bucky can’t help but get lost in them, only half listening to the plans that they’re meant to be discussing. 

It’s distracting and Steve notices, but he doesn’t say anything.

That’s a first, Bucky thinks somewhere. His Steve could never bite his tongue, but it’s just another reminder that they’re not who they used to be. The thought brings a sharp sting of tears to Bucky’s eyes and he abruptly gets up out of the briefing, mumbling some excuse of getting some air. He can feel Steve’s eyes burning into this back, can feel the string he’s pulled too taut, the buttons he’s pushed, but he doesn’t care, this Steve isn’t _his._ Sofuck all he does, he feels like a soldier without a cause.

For the first time, Steve doesn’t follow him.

-

They reach a base later that week, the nightheavy and glistening with the stars. Bucky’s got a weird memory of all the constellations, pointing them out to a fever stricken Steve through the window of their room, the one good thing about that shit apartment ~~other than knowing they have each other.~~ He remembers pointing out Cancer, and making a joke calling Steve “crabby” and getting socked in the arm immediately after. He remembers laughter, that kind of wheezing gasp, the way it rattled past Steve’s pink lips into this heart, held there like a treasured memory, of all that was at stake. ~~He loved this boy~~ Bucky feels robbed.

 

He sees Peggy and Steve standing way too close to each other, going over strategies and plans and other important things dealing with this very real war they’re fighting but Bucky’s headhas been cloudy ever since the table and all he seems to think about is Steve. He thought he’d lost everything, ~~but why does it feel like he still has?~~

 

He’s pretty sure he sees Peggy place a strong-red-lipped kiss on Steve’s cheek as everyone makes it inside quickly,to their rooms, the idea of a mattress sounding too good to be true. Bucky runs with the rest of them, though feeling sick with anything but anticipation. ~~I t’s jealousy, red hot burning, like the liquor. ~~Never mind it, it’ll fade, like everything. Steve is happy. Steve deserves to be happy. Bucky is a good _friend_. 

Bucky makes it way to his room, bigger than average but still small mattress greeting him. Bucky lies down, the door slightly open, and tries to forget. His head is a cloud, his thoughts foggy with what they did to him, what he feels, but the one piece of clarity like always: Steve. It bothers him, because it’d be easier to deal with it all but to have his entire world feel like a ghost, and the only thing tethering him to reality be someone who doesn’t even exist anymore, well it breaks ~~his heart~~ him.

So when Steve Rogers walks through the door, minutes later, into the same room with Peggy’s goddamn lipstick stain still on his cheek, Bucky gets up with a jolt and “What the _hell_ Rogers?”. He’s beyond surprised, he’s frustrated.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, tight lipped. Steve frowns, as if it wasn’t obvious. They’ve shared a bed before, but that was Before, Bucky thinks. Before, with His Steve, the one he knew like the back of his hand. 

“It’s just a bed, Bucky. I’m not here for anything else.” Steve says, slowly, words running dry like dust,pounding nails into the coffin of Bucky’s heart. Bucky would have let it go, would have let the words do what they do best, silence his longing, but it’s the way Steve says them that makes him narrow his eyes and sit up.Here is a man who does not believe in what he’s saying. ~~Here is a man who wants, God he hopes so~~

Bucky is on his feet within seconds, challenging. “You sure about that?” and Steve, predictable, gasps at the sight of Bucky in his space. A soldier is a soldier though, and Steve sticks his ground, trying to look anywhere but here, and Bucky sees it even more up close now, the lipstick stain taunting him, making him see red. “The War’s changed all of us, but didn’t know it made you into a liar” Bucky bites, and he sees Steve focus on him, sees the thinning control behind that gaze. It makes him feel warm, warmer than anything he’s ever felt since the table.

It feels real and Bucky wants more.

Steve is practically vibrating at how close Bucky’s gotten, knows the door isn’t locked, slightly ajar, knows they could be found, but it’s just making it that much _more_ for him. Bucky’s known. Bucky’s always known.

God, now if Steve would only admit that -

“Be honest, what do you want from me _Captain_?” Buckymocks, and suddenly he’s getting pushed back against the wall, and Steve’s hot breath is fanning the bridge of his nose, and Steve is forcefully whimpering, _“fuck_ you Barnes.”And Steve never really curses anymore, but it’s Bucky and if Steve ever had a chink in his super soldier armor, it’s right here, pressed solid against every inch of him. 

Bucky, all knowing as always,  but just as hopeless as Steve quips, “Well, if that’s the plan--” and that’s all it takes for Steve to surge up against him, his lips attacking him and bringing them together. 

Game on, Bucky thinks, kissing back just as fierce, as strong, as needing. This is land that he can conquer, this new Steve in this new body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will try to update asap and throughout the upcoming summer. stay tuned kidz. again comments make me feel like bucky when he's in steve's space, warm and fuzzy. scream about the angst, i'm all here for that.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u friend for reading so far, any comments or kudos will always be appreciated. you guys' criticism is flawless tbh, always know the best and important things to say. anyway, i will try to update asap but no promises. :)


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